UNEMBRACEABLE

 

Always at the time of

greeting and leaving

I hang back or move

toward in reaction to

 

someone else's step

forward, but just can't

follow through, trust

that there's got to be

 

something endearing

about a guy frozen as

a pole while everyone

goes for each other.

 

I'm not otherwise shy

about this ritual either

in practice or principle,

hug my son because

 

my parents blah blah

would never hold me,

and am a big hugger

on the inside, always

 

envisioning shedding

my self for a finer one

that will run right into

those reaching arms.

 

They look so inviting

from afar. I imagine

walking in, mingling,

not wanting to leave.

 

But the hour arrives

and my vision gives

way to anxiousness,

that instability I face

 

as astronauts brace

for their shuddering

descent into gravity,

when both man and

 

mission are right on

the verge of coming

apart, only to float

into a liquid landing,

 

like me with a drink

in my hand and two

inside me, blessed

to survive the entry.

THE AERIAL VIEW

 

The further we get from experience

the more we compact it

into a tossed-off phrase-

her year spent seeing the world;

his drinking days.

 

I think of my twenties this way,

and my marriage

and post-divorce years,

as big, handleless boxes

with nothing vivid inside,

though every day

their contents steep

in my consciousness.

 

Even with photos

I'm blank on those times,

unable to conceive of who I was

or what I was thinking,

as if I might as well (and this

is depressing as hell)

 

not have been there. It's not

just like it's another person,

but like a movie

where I turn to my companion

and wonder how the guy onscreen

can stand being so unhappy.

 

So if someone boasts

that he headed west

or started fresh,

I admit the appeal

of the aerial view,

but life rendered in language

is most of what we leave of life,

so I resist packing it

in a shrink-wrapped phrase,

 

as awkward as it is to say

the terrain below

changed from plain

to mountains, or

doubt accompanied my departure

and was waiting

when I arrived.